I’m going to get a bit deep because nearly dying in 2021 made me reassess a lot of things in life. I think as you grow up you’re almost conditioned in to ‘phases’ that life ‘should’ take – education, marriage, parenting etc. In realising my life phases weren’t going to follow that pattern after all my infertility issues, I really struggled for a while. I became scared when faced with the meaning of my own life without children, and with the prospect of identifying what my next ‘phases’ and purpose would be.

Of course, in time, I have realised these worries are true for anyone, parent or not, and sit at the core of being human for many of us, and 2023 felt like a year of re-setting my own expectations of life. It was a year where I had stability for the first time in a long time, and I realise as I settled in to it that it’s my new normal. Perhaps there are no new phases, or no new huge changes to come – perhaps living this life is me until I die. And that’s just fine, because I loved 2023 and the adventures it brought.

1. January

January was spent at home and quiet, doing some local day trips such as exploring Cambridge Central Mosque and Cambridge University. The weather was cold and the days short so my free time was largely spent working hard during the week and then wrapped in a blanket in front of the fire reading books, and going on long walks at the weekend around the local Fens to explore more of the nature that’s on my doorstep.

2. February

In amongst lots more work, in early February we headed to Brenner’s Park in Baden Baden. It was a really beautiful trip and Germany feels like a second home to me so I was happy to be back. The highlight of the month though was undoubtedly my husband’s incredibly special homemade escape room board game which he gave to me as a birthday present.

3. March

In early March I headed to my parents’ for the weekend and we visited Calke Abbey. I also spoke at a global conference on Infertility in front of 1,000 people. It was very nerve wracking and I cried and spoke for too long, but I’m so glad I did it. Helping educate and raise awareness is something I’m passionate about doing in moderation going forwards.

At the end of March, my husband and I visited Slovenia for an incredible trip. I totally fell in love with this lovely little country, and had a real moment sitting by Lake Bled counting my blessings.

4. April

April saw the sun return and whilst work was really busy for me, at the weekend we did quite a few walks while the weather was mild. I also had a wonderful weekend with my Mum while my Dad was away walking the Pennine Way. We visited Morton Hall Tulip Festival, as well as Coughton Court & Hanbury Hall.

5. May

In early May I had a trip to York with my friend and we enjoyed a warm weekend exploring the city. I’d not seen her in a really long time and it was lovely to catch up properly.

My husband and I then headed off to Switzerland & Liechtenstein for 10 days at the end of the month. Whilst totally beautiful, I do have to admit that this wasn’t one of our top trips – our luggage was lost and my husband really struggled with hay fever and asthma to the point we had to call a Doctor out, plus he couldn’t do too much as his breathing was so poor. We all have those trips which don’t quite turn out as planned and it was still nice to get away (but also nice to get home).

6. June

After our Switzerland trip, my husband headed away to Japan, Korea and Hong Kong for 6 weeks. As I was by myself, my Dad came to stay with me. I’ve never spent a long time with him just the two of us and it was lovely to have him in the house. He laboured in the garden, sorted out my DIY and even shaved my doors down so they’d close properly. It was so lovely to have that time together. I also found out while my Dad was staying that I’d won my female business leadership award which I’m really proud of.

7. July

After a month husband-less at home, I’d had enough and flew to Hong Kong for the weekend to see him. I had the absolute best time exploring between monsoon warnings and look back so fondly at the crazy adventure. Being able to go on trips like this on a whim is a blessing for which I’m incredibly grateful.

After returning from HK, the highlight was my goddaughter’s Christening. I have spent a lot of time with her this year, seeing her at least every month. I get huge joy from being with her and am truly invested in being a permanent part of her life.

8. August

August was spent at home, focusing on work and pootling at the weekends. The weather was nice, so I really enjoyed re-vamping the garden, watching sport and just generally pottering. We also had our annual date day in Cambridge – a day of drinking and eating our way around our home city.

It was also my grandpa’s 90th birthday party and a wonderful day was spent celebrating with all of my family. He is in a home now and suffers with his memory, but I hope we surrounded him with love and put a smile on his face.

9. September

A crazy heatwave hit at the beginning of September taking us up to 34C (95F). It was so hot I largely stayed in an air conditioned office and work, work, worked. Then later in the month, I flew to Croatia to explore the Dalmatian Coast with my parents. I’m so grateful to be able to have lots of adventures with my Mum and Dad.

10. October

I had my first Go Live on my work project in October, so the month was largely lost to work. It was total chaos and seriously long hours but I did manage to make time one weekend to go and watch an NFL game at Wembley in London – each year the league takes a few games on the road, and we were able to see the Week 3 match up between the Atlanta Falcons and Jacksonville Jaguars.

11. November

November brought the freezing weather to England, so we escaped it by heading on our long haul holiday of the year to Thailand. It was one of the best breaks I’ve ever had and I’m so very grateful to be able to go on trips like this. Whilst I’d trade them in a heart beat to have been able to have a family, I’m sure as heck going to enjoy them given that I don’t.

12. December

Back from Thailand, the second half of November and pretty much all of December was again lost to work. However, just before Christmas I managed to steal a weekend away to Paris with my Mum. We did something truly special and stayed at the hotel attached to the Palace of Versailles.

Aside from my individual adventures, 2023 has been yet another reminder to us all to treasure the small things and practice gratitude. With war raging in the Ukraine, and the horrors of the Israel/Palestine escalation, I have barely been able to look at the news. On Christmas Eve, closer to home, an extended family member died after suffering serious head injuries after a fall at the age of only 26. A reminder of how precious life is, how important it is that we make time, effort and do our best with those we love, and that we practice grattitude for what we have.

And talking of gratitude – a HUGE thank you to everyone who reads or subscribes to my blog. I do it as a hobby and a creative outlet away from a crazy stressful job. This year my blog viewing stats have gone through the roof, and I’m so so thankful to all of you who take the time to read, comment or just scroll through the pictures. This is such a supportive community – brace yourselves for lots more adventures incoming in 2024.

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year and prosperous 2024.

I made a conscious choice and effort to make it clear to people that I still really want children in my life. Over the years I’ve found it really hard when my friends are meeting up and I miss out, like having children’s birthday parties and I’m the only one not invited because I don’t have a child to bring. Even though I don’t have my own children, I do love children and a completely childless life isn’t something I want to be pigeon holed in to by my circumstance.

It was therefore with true joy I gave my commitment to be a Godmother to my cousin and his wife’s daughter earlier this year.

I must confess that I had secretly been hoping I might be asked – my cousin and I have always been close, bizarrely he now works with my husband, we live fairly close, I can drop and run if I’m needed for anything at all, I go crazy in a baby clothes aisle, and most importantly I have a lot of love to give.

And love this little girl I do. She is the most wonderful of little people, and I am so honoured to be able to be a permanent part of her life.

I hope that over the years I’m able to play with her, learn about what she’s interested in, support her dreams, take her on adventures small and big, perhaps if she’s interested teach her another language, show her that she can be whatever she wants to be, and play a small part in helping her feel strong and confident, whatever path she chooses. And most importantly, whatever she needs, whenever she needs it, I’ll be there.

So life might have given me a few rotten lemons, but its also given me an awful lot of lemonade too. And my little goddaughter, you are a blessing for which I’m incredibly grateful. I look forward to years of adventure with you.

At the end of 2021, my year in review was all about travelling in England during the pandemic and visiting 12 English counties in 12 months. 2021 was also an awful year with my near death experience so I was determined to make 2022 a year of fun! I normally set my goals on New Year’s Eve but last year I was in hospital on NYE, finishing off what I can only describe as a year to be forgotten. So I didn’t set any goals, just said f*ck it, I’m going to say yes to everything and live the life I’m lucky to still have.

So, 2022. How did we do?

Country 1 – The UK

Of course I spent a lot of time in the UK this year. I’ve found true joy in discovering my home over recent years. In March, we had a lovely break to London exploring the Bloomsbury area including The British Museum. At Easter, we had a weekend away in Staffordshire at The Tawny Hotel, enjoying a walk in The Peak District. I had solo trips to Windsor, and then to York in May, visiting Whitby, Rievaulx, Ripon and Thornton-Le-Dale.

In June, we had a weekend trip to Canterbury and in July we had a weekend in the sea side city of Brighton. In the autumn I visited Sandringham, Oxburgh Hall and Audley End, spent a weekend in Dedham Vale, and was treated like royalty for a weekend at Cliveden House. I also took a trip to Matlock with my parents for a weekend of walking, and finished off the year with a festive visit to Wimpole. I’m truly honoured to be able to showcase England on this blog and have loved sharing more of it with you.

Also in the UK this year lots away from travel happened. I invested more time in the people I love, making plans and taking trips with them. My younger cousin had his first baby, three of my best friends also had babies and I was with my amazing group of girlfriends all together in the same country at the same time for the first time in 9 years!

Country 2 – Denmark

Rolling back to the first overseas trip of 2022, I headed to Copenhagen for my birthday in February, and stayed at Nimb Hotel. A lot of healing happened on this trip and it will forever have a special place in my heart. We laughed, we cried, we ate some amazing food, we saw the Queen of Denmark and had a Royal Palace to ourselves. It was perfect (apart from the taxi ride which cost us nearly £300 – I still haven’t let it go).

Country 3, 4 and 5 – Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia

What. A. Trip. This was probably the highlight of my year. May saw my first 2 week break in years, and I found it informative and restorative as we drove from Vilnius to Riga to Tallinn. On the way we visited fairytale castles in Trakai, Kaunas and Cesis, unique spots like the Hill of Crosses, beautiful nature in Lahemaa and explored Soviet history in Patarei. The Baltics were beautiful and if you’re looking for an underrated destination in Europe – there’s none more so than these stunning countries.

Visiting these countries was also a reminder of the horrors of the Ukraine war and a reinforcement of knowing how lucky I am to live in a country which hasn’t known a war on its soil since the 1700s . That is a true privilege none of us should take for granted.

Country 6 – France

In July, we headed to Carcassonne in France with my parents for their wedding anniversary. We watched the famous fireworks, took a day trip to Narbonne, did one of my favourite hikes ever to explore Lastours Castle and of course drank wine and ate too much cheese! Going away with my parents is special as I know I won’t be able to forever so I treasure our adventures.

Country 7 – Portugal

All of my close friends I used to go away with have babies now and aren’t in a position to travel on a whim. But I am, and I’m grateful for that. A last minute decision to head to Porto for the weekend was impulsive and exhausting – with an 11.30pm Friday night flight out and a 10am Sunday return I had a day exploring this wonderful city. I was a little delicate (the port really is so good) but the sun was gorgeous and the food delicious. It was so freeing to be able to be so impulsive.

Country 8 – Turkey

Mr Barney Travel Technologies (MTH) travels a lot with work and this comes with pros and cons. On the positive side I quite enjoy being on my own and when I don’t want to be – off I jaunt to meet him for the weekend. Turkey was one such weekend. I fell in love with how beautiful Istanbul is, enjoying ancient palaces, incredible food and too much wine. It was chaotic and a completely different culture to that here in England – I love that travel can expose us to completely new things and broaden our understanding of the world.

Country 9 – Romania

A last minute addition to the travel itinerary, again MTH was here already and I tagged along for the weekend to meet him in Bucharest. At this point of the year I was really struggling at work as I’m working on a huge global project with a lot of pressure so the weekend here was restorative. I learnt all about the Communist regime and pressures still facing the country and loved exploring this unique city. Travel is always a great way to find perspective and I definitely went home feeling more balanced.

Country 10 – Costa Rica

Wow. A rival to the Baltics, this trip was one of my favourite trips of all time. We visited Costa Rica and stayed in luxury, explored stunning jungles, strolled glorious beaches, walked with sloths, had spider monkeys playing above our heads and to top it all off we even climbed a volcano in Arenal National Park. A truly special country which filled me with pure happiness (and lots of cocktails), finishing off my year of travel in style.

In summary, 2022 was pretty damn awesome. It was restorative, peaceful, calming and a year where I finally felt myself again after years of IVF and hormone treatment. I’ve long learned that it’s good to talk. But honestly, sometimes it’s not. It’s not good to talk if you’re talking to the wrong person, it’s not good to talk if the other person isn’t able to listen, or if you’re not listening either. It’s only good to talk if both of you are able to come to the conversation with honest words and listening ears. Otherwise there’s no point talking at all.

This year I’ve tried to do that – I’ve worked on my own journey of healing after a difficult time, talking when I’ve needed to the right people but more importantly I’ve worked on opening my ears to listen. I’ve invested my time in the people I care about, and had some absolutely wonderful adventures along the way. It’s so nice to be back travelling again, so nice to be making happy memories regularly, and so nice to be alive to enjoy it all.

Let’s hope 2023 is just as amazing. I hope you’ve all had a wonderful festive season – Happy New Year everyone.

Pull yourself together woman, he says. So together we planned some resolutions and set some goals for the year ahead. The travel goal I set myself, given international travel was unlikely, was to get to 12 English counties in 12 months and make the year of the staycation an adventure regardless. There are 48 counties in England (like US states but much, much smaller), so visiting 12 meant 25% of the country which seemed a lot but manageable given England is pretty small (about 1.5% the size of the USA).

So here I am – looking back on the goals I set for 2021 and how they went. I’ve had some incredible adventures thanks to my English county visiting goal, and thank goodness I did, given how the year turned out!

So, 12 counties in 12 months….how did I get on?

1. Cambridgeshire

Well….my resolution didn’t get off to a great start. We were put in a ‘stay home’ lockdown from January to March. So that meant exploration was limited to my home county, Cambridgeshire, for the first 3 months of the year.

Not to be deterred I set off exploring new corners of it. In the depths of winter I discovered Anglesey Abbey with a beautifully atmospheric winter walk, I found a Tudor ‘Palace’ in Buckden, we got lost in a field of corn at Grafham Water and I launched a charity event for my team at work to walk 300km between us in February – and we did it! We raised almost £2,000 for the NHS (the UK hospital service).

As lockdown eased, we were tourists on our own doorstep and took a punting tour in Cambridge itself on a beautiful early April day. In mid-May, I visited Peterborough for the day on a solo trip and explored the glorious cathedral, and then in July we decided to try a new rooftop bar overlooking Cambridge’s beautiful skyline, as well as a King’s College Chapel tour in August.

You can find my Cambridgeshire posts here:

• Things to do in Cambridge
• A 48 hour Cambridge Itinerary
• Cambridgeshire walks
• Prettiest Cambridgeshire villages
• Things to do in Peterborough
• A day in Ely
• Anglesey Abbey
• Cambridgeshire Fens
• Cambridge Eco Mosque
• Cambridge University Tour
• Wimpole Hall: Spring & Winter
• St Ives, Houghton & The Hemingfords

2. Suffolk

Early April was my first out of county trip in 2021, and it was to Suffolk; a short hour long drive away for a day trip once the guidelines had eased to ‘travel local’ and explored the picturesque village of Long Melford. We parked at Melford Hall and walked a 10km route taking in Kentwell Hall and lots of English countryside.

In early May we returned for a walk around Ickworth House, a picturesque National Trust property. We did another 10km walk, with a picnic in the meadows on our route; luckily it was a beautifully sunny day and the whole time was completely idyllic.

Later in the year in June, I went back when overnight hotel stays were allowed, and stayed for a night with one of my best friends in Woodbridge. I then did a night solo in the coastal town of Southwold and explored more of the county’s incredible coastline.

You can find my Suffolk posts here:

• A day in Bury St Edmunds (incl. Ickworth Hall)
• 12 hours in Long Melford
• Woodbridge and Framlingham
• Suffolk Coast Itinerary
• Dedham Vale

3. Lincolnshire

Another county bordering home, Lincolnshire is an easy county to access some beautiful walks. In early April, I went to the historic Burghley House for a walk with a friend, in mid-April I went for a walk around Easton Walled Gardens, and in the autumn I visited the town of Stamford. I also had a night in Lincoln in December to get in the festive spirit and enjoy the Lincoln Castle lights.

You can find my Lincolnshire posts here:

• A Lincoln city break guide
• Lincoln at Christmas

4. Rutland

From mid-April, overnight stays were allowed in self catering cottages. On the very day they were allowed I headed for a solo weekend away in Rutland. I hired a little cottage and stayed for 2 nights. I explored the beautiful shores of Rutland Water, as well as the pretty local villages and market town of Oakham. It was pure bliss to have a weekend away and I loved every minute.

You can find my Rutland posts here:

• A weekend in Rutland
• Rutland’s prettiest villages

5. Leicestershire

Mid-April also saw my first visit of the year to Leicestershire, because on the way to Rutland, I called in at Belvoir Castle. Leicestershire is also where my parents live so from mid-May when overnight stays were allowed, it was the first place on the list and I was back again! I also visited again in December when recovering from my operation and during this visit I had a stroll around the picturesque town of Market Bosworth.

You can find my Leicestershire posts here:

• 12 hours in Market Bosworth
• Calke Abbey

6. Derbyshire

Also from my parents’ house during that visit in mid-May we decided to go for a walk, and to do this we headed north and in to Derbyshire to visit the town of Melbourne. We walked a long route taking in historic Swarkestone and Stanton by Bridge; dodging the spring showers and enjoying the wisteria in bloom.

Then, at the end of May, I was back in Derbyshire again – I was almost popping with excitement as hotels were open again and my husband and I had our first weekend away in a hotel since August 2020, staying in the Peak District. We visited the towns of Bakewell and Castleton, as well as hiked Mam Tor and the Monsal Trail, and got cultured at Chatsworth House. It was a perfect long weekend break.

You can read my Derbyshire posts here:

• 12 hours in Melbourne, Derbyshire
• Exploring the Peak District – Castleton
• A 2 day Bakewell Itinerary
• Peak District Itinerary
• Cromford Mills
• Matlock
• Thor’s Cave

7. Hertfordshire

Also at the end of May, between the two Derbyshire visits, I met up with two of my best friends from University in the city of St Albans, Hertfordshire. On my way I decided to stop at Knebworth House, a stunning historic home which has been in the same family for over 500 years!

You can read my Hertfordshire posts here:

• Things to do in St Albans
• A guide to Knebworth House

8. Cumbria

Wohoo, mid-June brought me my first week long holiday away from home since January 2020 when I visited Athens. I decided to make the most of it and head 5 hours away from home and drive to the north of England to visit The Lake District, a National Park which covers most of the area of the county of Cumbria. Without a doubt this is one of the most beautiful areas of England and it was a joy to explore. It was a really active week away which meant I came home more tired than I went, but it was so beautiful it was worth it.

You can read my Cumbria posts here:

• A Windermere 2 day itinerary
• Hiking Old Man Coniston
• Things to do in Ullswater
• Hiking Loughrigg Fell
• A review of Linthwaite House

9. Buckinghamshire

The rest of June was spent at home after my husband managed to end up in a cast after a nasty accident. Then, in early July, we decided to educate ourselves and visit a museum we’d always wanted to see – Bletchley Park. Around a 1hr drive from home, Bletchley Park is where the operation to crack WW2 coded messages was run from, and we spent a day exploring the stories of the amazing code-breakers and the work they did.

You can read my Buckinghamshire posts here:

• A guide to Bletchley Park

10 & 11. Greater London & The City of London

London is made up of two counties – Greater London and The City of London – both of which I’ve been able to visit on my trips to the capital this year. In early July, we were SO fortunate to bag some Euro ‘2020’ tickets for England’s semi final at Wembley. We won the match, but lost the final. Later in that same week, I paid a visit to the wonderful St Paul’s cathedral.

I then visited London again in mid-August for a tour of the unique Highgate Cemetery, where one of my ancestors is buried. My final visit of the year was in December to see the Christmas lights and visit The British Museum with my parents.

You can read my London posts here:

• London Multi Day Itinerary
• A 2 day London Itinerary
• A day in Greenwich
• A day in Kensington
• A guide to St Paul’s Cathedral
• Visiting Highgate Cemetery
• London Christmas Lights
• A guide to The British Museum
• Bloomsbury

12. Norfolk

At the end of July, I hit 12 counties – I couldn’t believe I’d managed it in only 5 months of travel within England being possible. My 12th county was Norfolk, where my husband and I headed to the coast for a long weekend, staying in the incredibly unique Cley Windmill. From there we went on a seal boat trip, took a nice walk along some of the beaches and visited Blickling Hall. It was a perfect weekend away, right before I started a new job so was a bit of calm before the storm!

You can read my Norfolk posts here:

• A day trip to Wells-next-the-sea
• A 2 day North Norfolk coast Itinerary
• Blickling Hall
• Staying in Cley Windmill
• Thetford Forest

13. Wiltshire

I’m glad I hit 12 counties fairly early in the year as the second half was much slower for travel. In August I took some time out from trips away to focus on IVF and starting a new job which needed to be my priority. Then in mid-September, I took a week long trip with my parents to Wiltshire where we visited historic Stonehenge, as well as some picture perfect towns, villages and castles.

I then returned to Wiltshire in late October for a girls’ weekend away in the wonderful village of Castle Combe, one of the most picturesque in England, where we mainly ate, drank and caught up after months apart.

You can read my Wiltshire posts here:

• Stonehenge – the Stone Circle Experience
• Bradford on Avon & Lacock
• Things to do in Salisbury
• A weekend in Castle Combe

14, 15 & 16. Somerset, Dorset and Hampshire

Whilst visiting Wiltshire, we crossed the border in to neighbouring counties Somerset, Dorset and Hampshire to explore Farleigh Hungerford castle, Shaftesbury Abbey, the picturesque Hovis Hill, and beautiful Mottisfont, a great National Trust Property with a really interesting history.

You can read my Somerset, Dorset and Hampshire posts here:

• Shaftesbury & Cranborne Chase
• Mottisfont

17. Warwickshire

After another month of focusing on IVF and work, it was time for a quick weekend getaway in mid-October. We visited the county of Warwickshire, mainly to see Warwick castle; one of the most beautiful in England. Whilst there we also visited some other famous Tudor locations like Baddesley Clinton; as well as the ancient Kenilworth castle ruins.

You can read my Warwickshire posts here:

• A day in Stratford upon Avon
• A weekend in Warwick

After hitting 17 counties, my world changed the week after my Warwick trip, being hospitalised and nearly dying from an ovarian ectopic pregnancy. I’ve written about my infertility struggles HERE, but I’m glad to say I’ve recovered physically and emotionally I’m also feeling a lot better.

18. Staffordshire

To cheer myself up post surgery in December, I went to stay at my parents in Leicestershire and visited another new county, Staffordshire, to get in the festive spirit (and thank goodness, I couldn’t have ended on an odd number!). Whilst there we got Christmassy by visiting Tamworth Castle and Shugborough Hall to enjoy the decorations in these historic places.

You can read my Staffordshire posts here:

• Tamworth Castle
• Shugborough Hall
• Tawny Hotel
• Morton Hall

So there you have it, I actually managed to visit 18 counties in 2021.

Reflecting on what I’ve labelled as being a terrible year – my husband’s accident, a bee infestation, nearly dying from an ectopic pregnancy requiring major surgery, losing 2 babies, multiple failed IUIs, failed IVF and biological children no longer being an option for us, then a mice infestation and finishing with a flourish spending New Year’s Eve in A&E with a blood clot formed as a result of the surgery – I realise that actually there have been a lot of happy moments. And even at the worst of times, there is still a lot to be thankful for.

Have you enjoyed my little tour around England on the blog this year? I’m hoping that next year I get to spend a bit more time abroad and explore some more far flung places around the globe – but I’ve decided I’m pretty lucky to call this small piece of it home.

Happy New Year everyone – here’s to a happy, healthy and travel filled 2022.

I write this blog as a travel blog, and it was never intended to be a personal blog. But when something so traumatic happens to you, it’s hard to pretend it didn’t and hard to keep writing about nice weekends away.

If you’re here just for the travel content then this post won’t be for you, and I completely understand that not everyone will want to read this. I am not even sure about posting it for fear of reactions, but just hope that in sharing my story, it might help one person know they’re not alone, or help one person learn something that might help them or someone else in the future. It’s important to talk about things sometimes, and important to acknowledge that life doesn’t always work out how you might want, life isn’t always society’s version of what it ‘should’ be. Sometimes life can suck really, really badly.

So….welcome to my infertility war.

Last week

Last Monday I turned 6 weeks pregnant.

On Tuesday I had agonising cramps. I was at home alone so I called my friend and she found me passed out on the floor and took me to A&E. I was vomiting and in severe pain so I couldn’t walk. After a 6 hour wait in A&E, my blood test results came back that my pregnancy hormone, HCG, was super high – meaning the baby seemed healthy. They looked at my cervix and it was closed, indicating no miscarriage and the baby was still in there.

But I was still in agony. So I had to have a scan, 14 hours after admission. The sonographer told me not to worry, the baby was fine. And then she went as white as a sheet.

‘I’m sorry to tell you Hannah that you have two babies. One is in your uterus, and one is growing in your ovary. The ovary has ruptured meaning you have so much internal bleeding that it’s in your pelvis, your bowels, your abdomen and your ovaries. You need life saving emergency surgery right now. I’m so sorry we missed this’.

20 minutes later and I was lying in theatre. There were 5 surgeons and 3 anaesthetists. I was given a 30% chance of death, lost 42% of my blood, and was in surgery for over 4 hours. I had to have both babies, my ovary and tube removed.

What I had was an ovarian ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancies are when a baby grows outside of the uterus – it happens in around 1 in 90 pregnancies, normally in the tube. Ovarian ectopics make up about 0.5% of all ectopics so basically there is a 1 in 180,000 chance.

Ectopic pregnancy is the leading cause of death in pregnant women. I had all the symptoms but despite talking to 4 different doctors in 3 weeks, none of them thought it was anything for me to worry about. Symptoms of ectopic pregnancy include light bleeding, sharp shooting pains, shoulder tip pain, chest pain and vomiting. If you have any of these symptoms in combination in early pregnancy – please go to the doctor and insist on a scan. I wasn’t given one until it was almost too late.

I’m alive. I will not be a mother and I will have to deal with that in time. My story didn’t end how I would have wanted it to, but I have life. I don’t know yet how I will visit friends with babies, or go to baby showers, or deal with someone telling me they’re pregnant and they weren’t even really trying. In time I know I’ll be OK because my sadness doesn’t mean I am not able to be happy for others. But for right now it’s too hard, and I’ll just say thank you for life.

The early days

How did I end up where I did last week? I’ll start at the beginning.

In 2016, I went for a cervical smear. I had abnormal cells. I went for a scan. At 27, a very nice doctor told me I had cervical cancer. Thankfully it was super early stage and they were able to biopsy me and remove the cells by cutting out part of my cervix. Whilst they were there they also found an abnormal number of cysts, which I then also had removed. I was told it would have no bearing on my future fertility, but to this day I can’t prove or disprove that.

After that, we decided it was the right time to start trying and I spent 3 long years trying naturally, culminating in multiple miscarriages over the period. Miscarrying is a heart breaking process, and at the time I didn’t know anyone who had been through it. None of my friends had any issues conceiving and most all had children within a few months of starting to try. I didn’t talk about it.

Taking action

In 2019, after multiple miscarriages, the doctors finally did some tests. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me, so I headed to a fertility clinic.

At my first appointment I was so nervous. They put a wand up me which scanned inside to observe my uterus and follicle count, as well as run multiple blood and genetic tests. Everything was normal. My partner also had tests and again, everything was normal there too.

I then had to have a check to make sure my tubes weren’t blocked. This was a gory procedure. In the stirrups I went; an egg shaped device was inserted, and opened up, and then a catheter was fed through it up in to my ovaries. They then released some dye and if it flows through and down, the tubes aren’t blocked. If no dye comes out – you’re blocked. The dye filtered down just fine, but unfortunately something happened which meant I also bled pretty uncontrollably all over the floor for about 15 minutes. It was painful. It was undignified. Procedures like that take a little piece away from you as they are so violating.

We were diagnosed with ‘unexplained infertility’.

I spent hours and hours googling it, hours looking at what could be causing it, only to realise that the science just isn’t advanced enough to explain to us why this is happening. As we were undergoing these tests, I had more miscarriages.

Infertility Treatment time

By the time we got to 2020 it felt like all our friends had had children, while we were still trying to crawl at a snail’s pace to having a viable pregnancy. As the doctors said there’s nothing medically wrong with us, they recommended we try a procedure called IUI.

On day 3 of my cycle, I had to start injecting a drug called Gonal-F. The injection is fairly easy – the needle comes pre-filled so you just set your dose on the pen, and then grab a bit of fat on your tummy and inject it in. This stimulates your eggs so instead of 1, you grow 2 or 3 to increase your chances. About 7 days later, you’re back in stirrups getting the wand again to see how many follicles are growing, and all being well you then trigger ovulation to release the eggs with another shot and go back to the clinic 36 hours later for the sperm to be placed in there too.

And then you’re just sent home to wait 2 weeks (along with some lovely suppositories which you have to put twice a day up where the sun doesn’t shine), and do a pregnancy test in 14 days. Our test was negative.

We did this 3 times. Every single one was negative. The one straight before mother’s day really sucked.

Time for IVF

People say the word IVF and I think there are some misconceptions. 1) That it always works and 2) That it’s not that bad. It’s awful, and it doesn’t always work. In fact its success is actually only around 30%, even in perfectly healthy women under the age of 35 like me. For those over 35, it’s only about a 10% success rate, at best.

On the third day of my cycle, I had to start injecting Gonal-F again, but this time a much higher dosage (about 5x the amount that I used for IUI). This is because now I’m trying to make as many eggs as possible to be ‘harvested’. Again on day 6, I got the wand, and again on day 8, which showed I had 24 follicles. Some of them were quite big, so they told me I then had to take another drug so that I didn’t ovulate naturally.

This is where the mind-screw comes in. Cetrotide, the anti-ovulation drug, is a devil. Firstly, there’s no pre-filled pen here, you have to mix it yourself. You get a powder in one bottle, a solution in another, a mixing tube and an injection needle. You have to mix the powder until it disappears – no particles allowed, fill your own needle to the correct dosage, get the air bubbles out and THEN inject the absolutely horrific, huge, awful needle.

Honestly I nearly vomited. My stomach had already hit 8 days of stimulant injections, now this as well. So for 5 further days, in the morning I had to inject Cetrotide to say ‘don’t ovulate’ and in the evening I had to inject Gonal-F to say ‘grow eggs ready to ovulate’. Imagine filling a cow’s udder with milk and then not milking it….that’s how I felt. My insides felt like they might just burst.

The scans eventually showed I was ready to trigger ovulation, and 36 hours later I was back in stirrups having my eggs taken out. The pain is pretty awful – that catheter is back up in the ovaries again, collecting the fluid from every follicle. Within the fluid is the eggs, which once they remove from the body they can see under a microscope and separate out.

I got 14 eggs. A pretty good haul (or so I thought). Of my 14, only 8 were genetically normal and able to be fertilised and become embryos. The scientists then grew the embryos to 5 days old to become blastocysts, but only 2 of our embryos survived, meaning from 14 eggs we got only 2 healthy 5 day old blastocysts ready to be transferred. That’s a much lower rate than is normal, meaning our likely cause of infertility is my egg quality.

We went through this IVF process a number of times, and none of the transfers worked. Ultimately, one embryo did decide to implant, and 6 weeks later I nearly died.

The End

Not only are fertility treatments invasive, degrading, violating, heartbreaking and not guaranteed to work – they are also expensive. We paid almost £70,000 in total over the course of our treatments for me to nearly die. We have no baby. We are left with only physical and emotional scars as our memory of trying to start a family. I close the door on trying with 11 miscarriages, 3 failed IUIs, 4 failed IVFs and a near death ovarian ectopic pregnancy over the course of 6 long years.

Some people say ‘don’t give up’ or ‘try x,y and z’. I’d like to say I am not giving up, we just can’t do this any more. 80% of people get pregnant naturally within 1 year of trying -so we’ve already chosen to do much, much more than an average couple trying to conceive. I turn 34 soon and I know that if having a baby hasn’t worked from the ages of 27-33, the likelihood of it working in my mid to late 30s is virtually nil. There comes a point where our own mental and physical health is more important.

I am still left with the questions of why? Why me? Why am I infertile? Why did this happen to me? I’ll never know the answers to my questions, I can only learn to accept in time that it just wasn’t meant to be.

I’m sorry to write an essay. I hope I’ve raised some awareness, I hope I’ve managed to talk sensitively about a topic which is often taboo, I hope if you’re childless (by choice or not), you know you are still seen, still worthy, still a complete human despite society’s often narrow minded, family focused narrative. And mostly, I hope if you’re in the midst of struggling you know you’re not alone.

I’ll be all about the travel again from next week, and am looking forward to a 2022 focused on adventures rather than clinic trips. Stay safe everyone.